I for one am thrilled that the Madonna of old has begun rejecting the good English wife routine, and returning to what we loved her for... getting the christians and catholics really, really mad. As we know, I don't buy the AIDS charity thing for a second - but if you're going to piss them off, you'd want to have something a little better in response than "well, it's a projection of my self-conceptualisation as a tormented figure of persecution", or "I was trying to piss you off, because hey, everyone's looking at me, now! And when I tried to articulate something of substance, it didn't seem to wash, so...um...yeah. Here's me with a crucifix - it worked a treat back in 89, I thought it would do the same for my profile, now."
And boy, are they getting pissed off. Just like they're supposed to. First, we had the furore over a Milan church, that whilst being renovated, sold off scaffolding space to advertising, in order to help generate revenue. Perhaps, when the chruch indulges in such capitalistic values, it deserves what happened. The church forgot to check just what ad was eventually to beam down from their house of all things righteous. Imagine their surprise, when the next morning, they arrive to find you know who (a very different kind of Madonna than they're used to), towering down above the children of God, thirty feet high, and looking rather dishy in her H&M tracksuit
(see image, top left). The church instantly handed her the publicity by holding a press conference, and set about in trying to remove the poster on legal grounds, only to discover (surprise, surprise) that the buyer had cleverly covered all contractual obligations. Madonna stays. And the poster has now been plastered in half the newspapers in the world. Go, Madge!
A couple of days ago, the controversy stepped up a notch, when German police officially warned the world's biggest pop star that she risked arrest, if she continued with the crucifixion scene in her Confessions tour. As it turns out, Germany has a "blasphemy law", and quite frankly, good on old Madge for putting such an absurdly discriminatory law in a corner. Good on her, too, for telling German authorities to go fuck themselves. Naturally, she did it anyway. As yet, no arrest has been made. Go, Madge!
But it gets even better. Or worse. Because slightly more disturbing is today's report of the Russian Orthodox Mafia, who take matters into their own hands, and who have decided to one up the German police by threatening to kidnap the star, if she dares to raise the cross on her Russian leg, next month. You'd think the possibility of getting kidnapped, or killed, would be a little worrying.
But hell no, we've been here before, of course. Madonna, driven by her appetite to remain true to her battles, and thwarted by the inability to comprehend the real world (as logically evolves in someone who has been an A grade celebrity for 23 years), has told the Russian Orthodox Mafia to go fuck themselves, as well. I'm torn, somewhere between "Go, Madge!" and "Oh Madge, baby, please don't get killed, I do look forward to your offerings from the throne of pop, and it would be a shame if they cut off your head, and stuff."
Of course, if Guy Ritchie were to fall into their hands, it would be another story all together. If they could manage to miss Madonna herself, but take out her ridiculous husband, than maybe it's not such a bad plan. It would please the millions of Madonna kiddies patiently waiting for that divorce.
Well, not if Guy has anything to do with it. Like the bodyguards who had a little trouble comprehending that their boss expected to walk into the Gaza for nothing more than a self-indulgent moment of defiant Spirituality™, Guy's a little bemused as to his wife's apparent disconnection with reality, and her dismissal of how serious pissed off Russian Orthodox gangsters usually are about blasphemous American women who want to (as far as they see) spit on the epitome of male sacredness. He's teamed up with the tour director, Jamie King, and together they have assembled a security blitz like no other celebrity has ever been shrouded by.
As the world waits for Madonna to respond in the media about this issue, so far all we've been given is an image of her leaving her hotel with a very nervous looking Guy Ritchie. Madonna, on the other hand, looks as relaxed and defiant as ever. She offered no dialogue. But perhaps the shirt she was wearing said it all; next to a sequenced crucifix, were the words, "In Madonna We Trust". Turns out, a fan had worn it to the concert, and spotting it in the crowd, Madonna asked if she could have it. As you can imagine, the fan was more than pleased to make the popstar her very own. Miss Ciccone certainly knows irony - and publicity - when she sees it. She wore it for the AIDS orphans, no less.
This should all make for some very interesting viewing, early next year. Guy is also on the road to direct this tour's accompanying documentary. Pissed off clergymen, German police, Russian gangsters - sure beats In Bed With Madonna's "will she touch her crotch?" or I'm Going To Tell You A Secret's "I walked into a warzone to get closer to God". Maddy, Maddy, Maddy... without her, we'd... well... only have Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera. What a dull little pop planet that would be.
