Big Brother 2006 auditions press release

I've got an oxymoron for you... "Australia's Brainiest Housemate". This is the moment where the Housemates get the chance, post Big Brother theatrics, to show us what smart young people they really are, beneath the accusations of so called "elitist" wankers. Come on, Big Brother Housemates, show us we're wrong.

"I'm gonna suck at this," announced Jamie.

But Jamie wasn't to worry. He wouldn't be alone in sucking, and in fact, he weathered quite well in comparison to most of the others.

So what am I supposed to tell you? The housemates still don't know that Big Brother was taken from the Orwell novel, 1984. But more interesting, they don't appear to even be aware of their own television realm. When a question was asked of past BB housemates, someone yelled out, amongst a sea of confused faces, "Who are these people?"

But Jamie still managed to suck. "Co-host of Friday Night Live, alongside Ryan and Bree, is Mike who?" asked Sandra.

He didn't know.

Nor did they know, "The last Labor prime-minister was Paul who?"

Eventually, Sandra had a moment of sly irony (or was I just projecting?); when Gaelan didn't know the other Orwell novel (but that's hardly a surprise when they don't even know the bigger one they're conceptually connected to), Sully answered, "Well, it's a bit like what we have here, now... Animal Farm."

Oh, Sandra. That's wicked. Because you know very well they have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

In fact, Gaelan was very... well... supposedly funny. Remember when every housemate told us how funny he was, and we couldn't understand it? Remember how we presumed his amusing antics were clearly being edited out of the show? Well, tonight we found out why they edited it. Dino and the others roared laughing at almost every wisecrack that fell from his mouth, and for a brief moment of time, I was 18 years old and sitting with a bunch of pissed jocks at the uni bar. It's a sort of humour you have to be on the "level" of. I'm thrilled to say I exist in another realm, altogether.

The others stayed fairly close to their BB characters. Michael, of course, was ultimately fashioned by the show, and like a true product of consumer culture, he has embodied it completely. Mixed with his natural skill at being anxious, impulsive, and aggressive, his "villian" tag doesn't mix too well with Michael (or perhaps, fits far too perfectly). This was always the shame of him, really - he had a chance to strike at the very heart of the BB propaganda, but Michael doesn't handle the spotlight well. His ego is simply too stressed, and he ultimately boils over into a most unbecoming persona. Upon fighting for a spot in the next round, Michael suddenly switched into rebel mode (which is really more a tantrum that tries to be funny, but isn't) and stormed off the stage. Interesting to note, that mid-way through his tantrum, we glimpsed the affect of his BB experience, still lingering on for young Michael. When Sandra had earlier asked everyone how life had been since BB, Michael was the only one to say that he had not been enjoying it. Of course, Michael was arrested for responding violently to a homophobic jab at a bondi bar - quite ironic considering the propaganda he attacked was that BB had implied he was a closet homosexual (Killeen, even more unbecoming than Michael, protested they did not - even though they did).

 

Before he stormed off the stage tonight, he went to David and jokingly recreated their kiss. The camera cut away, until it was over. I'm not sure what idiot at Ten thought that bringing Michael on the show would not result in a P.R faux-pas, because quite unsurprisingly, that is just what they got. Michael was not over that evening with Killeen, and when it comes to Big Brother, he no doubt never will be. But we're not allowed to go back there - it reminds us of a... well... icky part of the 2006 series (but there were, after all, so many icky moments in a very icky series). Sully completely ignored him as he stomped around, yelling out. Eventually he left the stage, and though I wish I liked him more, I was glad.

For the first final, Claire chose "Animals" as her favourite category, because "That's the only thing I know about." Claire remains true to her character here, also; but what an unfortunate thing to say, only to bomb out, failing to answer hardly any questions about the only thing in the world she knows.

Another housemate who toyed with their BB image in the finals was the Brokeback boy himself, David Graham. Sincere, beautiful, sensisitve, honest little David chose "Sheep farming" for his special category. Guess it painted a better picture than "Gay nightclubs in Melbourne".

But David's good at his game. We know that. Wasn't good enough to win, but he came close. David had no intention of answering those questions; instead, he answered all of Dino's questions, knowing he knew about the Balkans (Dino's category), and knowing that Jamie, let's face it, didn't stand a chance. It was a pretty safe bet that Dino wouldn't know too much about sheep farming.

Worked a treat. David Graham's tactics (not that he had any, right? Because he's not that sort of person) may not have brought him over the BB line, but they made him Australia's Brainiest Housemate.

And that's that. Nearly every one of those youngsters we saw on the show tonight will now officially begin their return to oblivion. Next year, there'll be a new bunch in their place. They probably won't know that Orwell wrote a book called 1984, either. Neither will they probably remember the names of the nine standing before Sandra, tonight.

And neither will we.