To make money, I'd imagine. And whether he's real, or not, isn't even the half of it...  

 

Whilst I initially refused to join the millions of bloggers and media sites that have now made this the week's most viewed "story" on the internet, I have watched - my mouth slightly open, my eyes squinting in the awe that is seeing this take up so much of people's attention - the "discovery" of Big Foot, and I simply cannot resist adding my two cents worth, like every other cybernut. Because, aside from being a little frustrating - at times, downright disturbing - it's a fascinating thing to behold. Not the monster, or the costume, or whatever it should be referred to - not even the men who are now playing the press so perfectly, or, indeed, the press, themselves - but those good people of America. They like a show, don't they? And they're getting one.

 

If modern Western media is pure theater - and it certainly seems to be, with this one - the two "hunters" in the center of this spectacle should be credited for understanding what little creative direction it takes to usurp the media spotlight. China, try as it might, is putting on one hell of a show, right now. But even the Propaganda Olympics have been slaughtered in the Google stats by this one. Global warming? Yesterday's news, baby. Iraq? Are we still talking about that? No, no, keep up with the entertainment, people - two guys found the dead body of the legendary Big Foot, and they've got, like, two photos and some other guy who was caught making a Big Foot hoax, years ago, and he's happy to verify that this is all real. That's enough, isn't it?

Apparently. So, let's recap how the hell we got to where we are today - which isn't very far, when it's all said and done. A week ago, two guys contact press with one of the most cliched stories you could possibly ring a newspaper with: they've found Big Foot. I mean, really; it's such a cliche, it's hard to fathom someone doing it in 2008 - it's a cliche of ye old dumb civilisation or, of recent times, 80's gutter press. But it's 2008, and I'm left picturing the scene: "Yeah, I thought you might be interested to know I've found Big Foot." "Oh, this is hot - I'll send a reporter, right away." And, yet, it happened. The press release was faxed out and, out of the sea of releases that flood media offices, everybody took hold of the one titled "Big Foot Is Real". Nobody sneered, "Would you like the number of the National Enquirer? I hear they're low on alien abductions, this week." The world's press - even the most formidable, who may very well be reporting it with a degree of cynicism, but are still, after all, reporting it - thought it was hot. Hot enough, that without one scrap of evidence - not even a lousy photo - these two "hunters" made world wide news.

Now, let's get this straight about these so called "hunters". One of them just happens to run a Big Foot tourist excursion, where you too can search for the legend, at just $500 a pop (no doubt, it's now booked out for the next decade). They also have two websites - one which conveniently just happened to pop up a short time before the "discovery" - and already, handily enough, have a merchandise store. You can buy the official cap that, but of course, the two happened to be wearing at their press conference, yesterday. Such miraculous timing. And, it should be noted, all blatant facts that would have taken no time to dig up, by any reporter considering whether to make world-wide news out of two guys who expect the press to take their word for it that they've found the real deal. Your guess is as good as mine.

So, the two call their press conference, promising to reveal all. Literally hundreds of reporters show up, pushing and shoving for the best spot to break the news of our dreams. Out come the men of the moment, in their branded baseball caps, to "prove" their finding. They're now joined by Tom Biscardi, who is quite well known in the Big Foot circles as one of the most crazed "hunters" of all, and - here's the best bit - a man who was uncovered for his own hoax, years ago, when he tried to pass off a bear claw as Big Foot. Is this not the bit where someone - anyone - in the news world, stops and thinks, "Um... isn't this obvious, and is it actually a little... well.... fucked up, that we're spending thousands of dollars covering this story, as if it's actual news?"

And what about the evidence? Yes, yes, Bisacrdi wants to assure the world that it's the real Big Foot. Okay, sure - I feel comforted knowing that this whole thing has the approval of the last guy who scammed the news, don't you? But seeing is believing. C'mon, boys, show us the goods.

What we were shown was nothing more than two photos. The first was of the deceased Big Foot that the two say they found, already dead, and dragged back to a secret storage unit. It looks like the gorilla costume I wore to last year's Halloween party, laying in the bottom of an ice-cream freezer - unclear, shadowed - with the scrapings of a butchery tossed onto the stomach. The second was a shot of the other living Big Foots, roaming the Georgia woods, that the pair say watched them, as they dragged their dead friend off to an ice-cream freezer. This photo has the quality of that phone I used to own back in 2001 - not so mega pixels. And, that was that. For now, the press were told, that would have to do - for the two did not want to reveal the location of the corpse, for fear of the frenzy it would create (endangering the remaining Big Feet). No, no, they wouldn't want to create a frenzy! Have you got that, all eight hundred journalists?

Bisacardi, who did a brilliant rendition of a Man Of Science, spoke of assembling a team of hand-picked scientific experts that would, any minute now, confirm the legitimacy of the finding. He also had some interesting results, in regard to three DNA samples that had been taken from the corpse. The first sample came back as possum DNA - which Biscardi believes could be the DNA of its lunchtime snack (even though the idea of the remaining creatures watching the pair take their friend away, without any attack, seems to suggest carnivorous tendencies). The second sample came back as human DNA - which Biscardi believes would have been transfered from the two hunters, as they dragged the corpse back. I guess that leaves the third sample to have the goods, right? Wrong. Sadly, the last DNA sample was deemed too damaged for any conclusive finding to be made. Don't you just hate it when that happens? What horrible luck! But, c'mon, surely you can see, then, that the real DNA would have been there to prove all this, if only the hands of fate had not stepped in and screwed up the DNA test, right?

Didn't stop the press, at least. The conference made leading news, around the world, and America was now Big Foot crazy. Sure, the skeptics were heavily battling those who were actually taking it seriously - but, I still say, they were, nonetheless, reporting it. A real scientist, who attended the conference, came out firing, making the rather logical conclusion that this appeared - rather obviously - to have no credibility, whatsoever. Still, it went to press; the world now waiting on the trio's next step in proving to us that all this was a glorious moment of history that we would be alive to witness.

 

Cyberspace, in particular, became obsessed with the story (but, in so many ways, that's not really that surprising) and, finally, there would be a more concrete wave of cynicism. Bloggers began deciphering the two photos and pulling the stories apart; but it all seemed to only fuel the frenzy, adding to it, giving journalists impressive cyberstats to inform the world that, yes, everyone was obsessed with the finding of Big Foot. The story of Russia and Georgia was perhaps a little more important, but the story of Big Foot and Georgia was just the kind of distraction that modern media consumers kill for. And, hey, it's got such better themes to it - a historic mystery, the realisation of myth, the triumph of two all-American men - Spielberg, eat your heart out. Who could say no to that!? Politics is, like, totally dullsville.

No matter how many bloggers would hiss at the authenticity of the finding and the gullible nature of the public, no matter how many forum users would hiss along with them, there were always the most wonderfully ludicrous posts from true believers who, it would seem, fed off the cynicism to turn the pair into symbols of - oh, dear - the Underdogs. You know how we like those - vicariously, we can pseudo-triumph over the feelings of inferiority and injustice we harbor within. "You haters and non-believers will be sorry," snarled Jack (one imagines his mid-Western nose turned up, defiantly, in the air).  "Let these guys finish proving there right," said Mindy, standing up for the right to be heard; "Why are we so quick to judge?!?!?"

My favourite, however, was Jimbo. His name alone is enough to adore the man (in that "glad I will never have to meet him in the flesh" sort of way), but his argument didn't fail to deliver, either. Trust good old Jimbo to come in with the voice of reason; "U all need to calm down and think about this properly.... why would anyone go to the trouble of making up photos and stories if they knew they were going to be found out in the end??? Think about that.... I believe them." God bless Jimbo.

The obvious attack of the photos, as bloggers eventually pointed out (who says you need to be a scientist to dictate the dissection of fact in world media?), was that the area in question, between the creature's head and the body (the part in a costume where there is a distinct beginning and ending between fabric) had been suspiciously covered in a "shadow" of black, unable to be properly examined. What is it a shadow of? Why would a portion of this photo be inexplicably black?

Which brings us to today's episode, where American media - who surely would have finally made the conclusion that, um, none of this is real, and moved on to other stories, if it were not for their belief in letting every man have their right to retort - were more than happy to hand the spotlight back over to Biscardi to explain away the growing faithlessness amongst the cyber community. Now, wait, everyone - let's just hear the last guy who tried to fool us with a hoax out, before we so hastily make judgments.

I could now trail off onto various monologues of great analysis about what this all says about our world, about our media, about us. But, you know, sometimes, I don't need to. I'm going to let this clip speak for itself - but watch out for those added touches, such as the "Fox Facts" across the bottom of the screen. And come back tom me, after you've finished watching it. Here is Biscardi's live appearance on one of the most watched morning programmes of America, ending with a dazzling revelation...

 

 

No clever monologues, no. Just one question - and I want you to be real with yourself, here. She's going to wherever it is they're taking the "body" (Fox are paying fuck knows how much money, to do so), where she will - surely - break the ultimate scoop: IT'S REAL!!! Oh, dear. This just goes on, and on, doesn't it? But are you excited? Are you kinda waiting to see what happens, when she goes there? Are you sucked in, by this? Even if you've a rational part of the brain that knows how ridiculous it all is? I do, I must admit. It's a black comedy, and I'm finally happy to confess that I'm lovin' it. Yes, people really are this desperate they would actually engage this. Yes, the media really is this fucked up. It's like a Christopher Guest movie - but  edgier. I can't wait to see what happens next to poor old Chuck.

Yes, Chuck. I leave you with this update . Enjoy.