Many moons ago, I ended up in Broadway Hoyts, led into the phenomena of the Supercinema™, from nothing more than my love for Wynona Ryder. As the president of internationally feared bikie gang, The Wynona Riders, you can imagine my anticipation to see Wynona play the weird teenager (again?) in Girl Interupted.

It was during this screening that I first discovered Angelina Jollie. I adored her. That faux-fur coat, the delivery of femme fatale dialogue second perhaps only to Sharon Stone, those eyes – those lips! Angelina rocked my world.

 

Sadly, she would go on to be in so many shit films, in the end, I stayed away from the Supercinema™ all together, and never again bothered to be drawn to the words "ANGELINA JOLLIE IN...", as they buzzed over Broadway. Could’ve been, should’ve been… wasn’t. Isn’t. Sorry, Angie, you ultimately failed to deliver.
 
And then, you became the other half of Brad Pitt! What the hell were you thinking?! Leave the Brad Pitts of the world to the Jennifer Anistons of the world. You’re the kooky bisexual goth chick who walked around with a lover’s blood hanging from your neck. You’re the cool third world warrior, who actually visits war torn countries for more than a photo op. Brad Pitt? I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

And now, we have the baby. Firstly, I’m a bit miffed by the trend that was the celebrity adopting the third world child (it was supposed to be an ironic rejection, of course) morphing into this sudden need to have the “real thing”. Yes, Mr Cruise, that means you, too.

What about the monologues we were given about the irrelevance of DNA, bla bla fucking bla, and how they were just human beings, bla bla fucking bla, and why ever would anyone bring a life into the world, when there were so many lives in less fortunate countries to save, etc, fucking etc?

I have no problem with this sentiment; but where, then, does this place such a noble idea, if you’ve suddenly decided the world needs one of your own? What happened, in the end? Did the egocentricity prove difficult to keep at bay? Is it just too great a loss to the world if all the Beautiful People™ reject the opportunity to put get their genes together?

What is Maddox going to say, when one day he’s old enough to ask (and he will), “Mummy? Why did you decide to have your own baby?”

“Well, look Maddox,” she will explain thoughtfully, “Mummy and Daddy decided they were just too Beautiful™ - and think of all the children we fed with the money we made from the very different level of attention a real celebrity baby has in comparison to the black, adopted kind.”

At least they are actually using the money. Brad Pitt feels a whole lot more… whole… now that he’s started using his personality bypass and good looks to feed the world, and make it a better place for you, and for me, and the entire human race.

Like Madonna, who asks for fund raising while hanging on a 2 million dollar cross, Brangelina are the bizarre new breed of the spiritual celebrity who want to eat the cakes they have. Instead of giving away portions of their actual income, they engage in extra curricular activities with the intent of generating charity dollars.

And what have Brangelina done, now? They’ve given a single photo to their people, and their people have sold it to the highest bidder. That must have taken a lot of effort, really.

The precious photo of the genetic evolution that is Shilo (it’s more like a bin than a name, really) has been sold to People magazine, with proceeds handed over to designated charities.

But the piece de resistance is surely the publicity stunt to end all publicity stunts, with the permission given to Madame Tussauds (Times Square) to cast a wax likeness of the entire family. Sorry, did I say the entire family? I mean Shilo and the proud parents (where’s Maddox?). Frenzied consumers can pay $30 a ticket to have their photo taken with the wax models, which sadly, unlike the Paris Hilton movie, do not contain the real thing, encased – and silent – inside.

An entire one dollar from each photo goes to Unicef.

A spokesman from Maddam Tussauds earlier told reporters; “We are very excited to feature the world’s most famous baby as part of our exhibition, and Unicef are very pleased with the dollar donated from each photo. As are Brad and Aneglina very happy with the ensuite they built onto the master bedroom of the fourth guest house that they just paid for with the rest of their fee. We very much look forward to our next venture, where Aaron Darc fans will finally have a chance to pose with a wax model of their favourite blogger.”

All proceeds will go to the Consumers Against Kyle Sandilands Fund.

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